quitting smoking

Yes, I am an addict. My substance is tobacco.

Yes, I want to quit smoking if for no other reason than when I return home to Toronto for three weeks in August I don't want to feel like a diseased freak.

I am happy for my kids that they do not smoke, my son quit when he was 12 years old:) and my daughter quit about 10 years ago, I think.

I quit smoking when a by-law in Toronto made it illegal to smoke indoors in offices. That would force me to smoke outdoors. Well, no one was going to tell me where to smoke. Heavens, women did not smoke on the streets in those days, and I was a proper woman, after all. I forget the year, although I do remember how easy it was for me to quit - even considering that I had smoked at my desk and at home and felt oh so comfortable and acceptable.

So for twenty years I was a non-smoker. I often felt left out while others retreated outdoors but I knew that I could not even take one little puff on a cigarette, or I was a goner. I knew I was an addict.

But one day when I noticed that a bunch of very interesting people frequently gathered on a porch smoking laughing, talking and just having the time of their lives - I somehow could not join them with smoking - so I gave in and bingo - once again I was a smoker.

The last time I went home for a three week holiday, three years ago, the most difficult time for me was while I stayed at my son's home. I do not smoke while I am with them, so I went out to the mall on a number of occasions to have a smoke. I felt guilty - like a bad kid - and sneaky. By the end of the week I was really stressed out, perhaps partly due to my self-imposed smoking restrictions, but also because I spent the week looking after my grandchildren aged two and four.

Not an easy job for a grandmother who is not used to have young children around - even though I love them to bits - their noisy busy-ness and demanding natures - being kids - was too much for me.

I find it extremely annoying that I am such a wimp on this planet. Others smokers seem to be comfortable smoking wherever they want to - whenever the monster gets hungry. They don't seem ashamed of their addiction.

I also find it odd that smokers are so careless about discarding their butts wherever they are on the streets, in the parks, on the beach - that is littering and somehow they do not seem aware of it.

What makes me angry is that it casts a negative impression that all smokers are the same - I am not that kind of smoker. I carry a little ashtray and butt container with me whenever I think I will smoke.

I don't smoke most of the time when I go out - even socially. I only usually smoke at home outside on my balcony, and that is about 3 or 4 cigarettes a day - last month I spent about $56 on cigarettes.

I do smoke when I am with other smokers - I have one friend who smokes even in her home and on average I visit her about twice a month. I usually come away feeling dizzy and nauseous. Last time we were together at her son's she went out for a smoke without asking me to go with her and I was so thankful - I don't need to smoke - but after the event, we had a smoke together out at our cars before we said goodnight.

Oddly enough, even though I smoke only about 4 cigarettes a day, I find it quite difficult to quit altogether. My mind is convinced that without the smoking inspiration break I'll not be able to write - but I also take breaks when I'm not writing so it is the demanding monster within me that has me in its grip - gotta get rid of it.

So enough - I could rationalize why it is OK for me to smoke til the cows come home, but if I am to be nicotine free by the time I go home in August, then I must start
now.

March 21st is my quit date. So I am beginning reducing my smoking to between 9 am and 10 pm.

This morning I went for a walk as part of my plan to replace smoking with other activities to make it easier on Quit Smoking Day

Trouble is I write - creating my website - and when I smoke it is to take a break from the computer and my writing - I call it my inspiration break because I actually do receive inspiration for my writing when I take the break. I also use the break to stretch my hands, arms and body and I usually go out on the balcony for about 3 puffs on a cigarette - that is how I smoke.

I have 18 days to go before I quit.

I will reduce nicotine in my body to three cigarettes a day on March 10.

I will reduce nicotine in my body to two cigarettes a day on March 17.

I will be a non-smoker on Sunday the 21st.