Quitting smoking - 2

March 16, 2010

QD is drawing nearer - 5 more smoking days to go. Ridiculous! I am determined to quit and I can visualize how happy and free I will be as a non-smoker.

This process is fascinating. When I quit smoking oh so many years ago now, I recall a little book I read. That may have been the magic pill that helped me get so easily off nicotine.

So last night my friend B who is quitting with me lent me a book. We had our last "smoke out" together - watching the movie, Up In The Air - with George Clooney - he's right up there with Gregory Peck for me (except for this movie). Can't figure out how it made the list for an Oscar. So B and I ate dinner and smoked while we watched the movie.

What a horrible experience - when she lit up a cigarette, I couldn't stand the stink of it, eventually I had to stick my head out of the balcony door to get a whiff of fresh air. That is a good sign. Most times I did not notice. My mind would not allow me to accept how disgusting even second hand smoke is.

I think that now that I am determined to quit, have actually committed my self to that goal, that something is showing me what a wise decision that is. I am going to call it the Universe for lack of an accurate word.

I have always said that when I truly desire something and declare my desire with emotional energy the Universe delivers it. What I do not receive is blocked by some internal programming that I am not aware of at the surface level of my mind.

When I got home last night I peeled all of my clothes off and could smell the smoke in them (previously denied they smelled). In the comfort of my PJs, I curled up on the couch and began reading the book. I was not surprised actually, but I do believe this is a 2nd edition to the book I read oh so long ago.

When Allen Carr talks about the nicotine monster inside me that is controlling my life - every precious moment of it - I remember that I could relate to the monster metaphor more than to the real live disgusting and ugly jar full of cigarette butts, or wicked posters with nasty health threats. That is how limited and non-effective most of the Quit Smoking so-called experts operate. I know, I've been there done that. And I have suffered the self-demeaning failed attempts to quit before.

The nicotine monster that has control over my life has to go. I visualize it as a large mouth bass, or large ugly bottom-feeder fish, wildly swimming around in my chest area with a mouth flapping - opening and closing, demanding to be fed.

His demands feel like a kind of cotton batting filling up my lungs - threatening to suffocate me if I don't feed him. As soon as I have even one puff on a cigarette, he slows down and my breathing becomes easier and my body feels less contracted.

After three puffs Monster Nic seems satisfied and he retreats to a deep dark corner in my lungs and rests somewhat peacefully, but his eyes never really close. I am aware of him watching for the slightest hint that there is more.

The odd thing about it is that as soon as I get back to my computer and sit down, the monster seems give me a gentle poke, hinting that he is there and should I choose to he will accept dessert.

This vivid visualization helps me to feel in control.

So I have committed myself to finishing the book, as the author recommends and since I have done it before, I know I that quitting is very easy, once again.

To be safe I am also going to use a product called Nixotinex that B used when she last quit. Trouble is that when she quit it was for about a month to go on a cigarette free vacation with her kids and grandchild. Shortly after she returned she resumed smoking.

But I say best to cover all the bases. This product is supposed to help stop the cravings - don't know how, but who cares - I am so sick of smoking and the inconvenience of it, and the fact that most of society now treats smokers like Lepers, or as I call it diseased freaks, that the reason I started to smoke again is no longer valid (as if it was anyway).

Recently, I was asked a question that I think helped me to see more clearly how my addiction was no longer meeting my needs. He asked, "Why did you start smoking?" And because he probably knew my usual reaction to talking about smoking (very assertively but politely telling people it was none of their business) - he just replied "Thanks". Believe me when I say that in my case, "less is more". A few days later, the question came to my mind and I actually allowed it to surface and I considered the answer. The reason I started to smoke after twenty years was that I felt left out of a group of "inner circle" folks who were interesting and fun to be with. I know it is insane to think that I had to smoke to be with them, but that is the nature of an addict - perhaps the reason I smoked again was that finally I was able to rationalize an excuse to feed Monster Nic who never actually died and went to his heaven.

Anyway enough - I am quitting for good as soon as I finish this book. Thank you for all of the support I am getting from my Inner Being, from B for doing it with me, and for Allen Carr from coming back into my life when I most need him.

God, I love my self when I feel so in control. Now believe it or not, after all that I'm going to have my first cigarette (3 puffs) of the day. Allen Carr says not to quit yet - and I do believe he is right.